I was at a luncheon yesterday, sitting at a long table with people I didn’t know, when I discovered the woman across the table had a fascinating job.
I immediately started asking questions, one after the other. She was passionate and was a pioneer in a really unique field. People around us started tuning in to our talk, and I wondered if any of them realized they were pretty much sitting in on an interview – an impromptu interview but one nonetheless.
Sometimes that happens when Joe and I are out to dinner with friends and one of them brings up an experience or a belief that we didn’t know about. I instinctively lean in to the table and start shooting questions. I can see Joe sit back because he knows I just dove in. I think he also knows to listen because we’re all about to hear something super interesting.
I have discovered that if you ask questions, lots of them, because you’re genuinely curious and interested, the answers you hear may move you, entertain you, educate you, motivate you – they may even change who you are in some small way.
When I hosted our Women’s Roundtables, there were times when a woman’s answer to a simple question was powerful. One described when her ex-husband played Russian Roulette with her – she spoke in detail of how that felt. Another talked about being the only female executive in her company and what she experienced at board meetings. And one mom talked about losing her son to addiction after she had survived breast cancer. “I saved myself, but I couldn’t save him.” I’ll always remember the heavy quiet after she spoke.
I once interviewed a monk (in South Jersey, yes) who explained a Zen concept using spilled milk as an example. He said in life, you shouldn’t make everything a story. So if a child spills milk at the table, you don’t mention how much the milk cost or what a mess the child just made, you clean up the milk and get back to dinner.
Carli Lloyd once told me she trained as if she had achieved nothing, even though she had 2 Olympic gold medals.
Former Camden City Mayor Dana Redd introduced me to the term “energy vampires,” which she used to describe people who were harsh in their criticisms.
Jen Dubrow Weiss explained to me a concept she uses daily as CEO of the Jewish Federation of Southern NJ: blameless problem solving. It’s an idea that can be so valuable in a workplace – everywhere actually.
And Eagles Coach Nick Sirianni taught me about love, which is crazy – an NFL coach is probably the last person you’d expect to talk about the value of love. I had asked him how he motivates a team and he said, “…even when you think you’re going as hard as you can, there is one thing that can get you to go a little bit further: love.”
The question doesn’t always have to be prepared. Sometimes, you might be having lunch and you hear someone say they conduct research on pregnant women who are diagnosed with cancer. And even though you don’t know her, you say, “Wait – what’s your research?” And before you know it, the whole table is learning about something we didn’t even know existed. And possibly having the best lunch ever.
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