I had a conversation with a young mom recently that broke my heart. Joe and I were away for the weekend when a woman I met told me she was feeling a little uncomfortable because she was traveling alone. But, she said, she made the trip because she had “hit rock bottom.”
That stopped me, and I turned to her and really listened. I felt every word she said so deeply. I’ve often wished I could go back to my younger mom-self and convince her that everything she was worrying about would work out. Everything – and especially, everyone – would be ok. But I know I wouldn’t have believed me. It’s just so hard to see when you’re in the middle of it.
My new friend told me she had three daughters: 6, 4 and 2. I smiled. “I have three daughters too but they’re 32, 30 and 28, so I’ve lived your life.” We had an instant connection.
She went on to talk about every pressure, every worry, every burden she feels raising these three little people. It was consuming her and really, really weighing her down. One of her worries was that her middle daughter was so strong-willed. I laughed. And I said, “That’s why my middle daughter is doing so well. She can handle anything. I know it’s tough right now, but she’s going to be ok.”
She thanked me for saying that, but I don’t know if it really got through.
Then she confided in me that on some nights she thinks to herself: “Was I present enough with each one of them today? Did I really listen to them? Or did I spend 20 minutes drinking my cup of coffee?”
“Oh no, you have to give yourself a break,” I said. “You’re allowed to drink your coffee. It’s actually good for everyone if you do.”
I kept saying over and over that everything was ok. That her daughters would be fine, and she would be fine. I told her everything she was worried about wasn’t real, because in two years those worries would be gone and there would be new ones. And then in another two years…
She very slowly said, “Yeah, I guess they aren’t real.”
But still, I don’t think it got through to her. And I totally understand that.
I felt her pain when she spoke. She was carrying so much sadness. I understood – I had carried it once too. But being on the other side now, I know so much. You want to go and tell every new mom what you learned (the hard way). But having been there, you know how heavy the weight is, and it’s just so hard to move.
When we were leaving, she thanked me over and over. I hope I helped, but I don’t know.
I held both her hands and I said to her, “I know it’s hard, but if you don’t relax a little and realize everything will be ok, you’ll miss so much joy.”
One thing I kept saying as we talked was, “Every older mom I know would tell you this too.” So when I got home, I went on Instagram and asked parents of grown children what they would have said to this mom. I got a lot of comments and DMs that were warm and true and reassuring. I had planned to write some of them here but turns out I had a lot to say. I’m going to write them in this spot next month. Hope you’ll check back.
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