“Daddy I’m good I figured it out. I don’t need your help.”
Hearing that hurt a bit. It’s a moment that’s happening more lately, and I’m not sure how I feel about it. I’ll see one of the boys struggling with something, so I’ll get ready to step in to help. Maybe it’s my own anticipation of them getting upset or frustrated like when they were younger, so I’ll want to offer advice. Fix it. Do the whole dad thing for them.
And then just like that, all of a sudden, it feels like they don’t need me as much. They’ve managed to figure it out on their own and not only that, they celebrate their accomplishment. You can see it right away. That little moment of “I did it” that doesn’t need anything from me.
The first few times it happened, I was proud. Honestly, I still am. But now it’s starting to feel a little different. Not bad, and not that I’m not still proud. Just different. I want to celebrate what they are doing. Every little thing. But I guess I also still want to feel like I am needed by them.
Because for a long time, my role was pretty clear. If the boys needed help, I helped. If they had a question, I answered it. If they couldn’t do something, I stepped in to either do it myself or teach them how to get it done. There wasn’t much hesitation. Now there is.
Now I try to pause so they can try to do it first. Sometimes they get more frustrated with me when I jump in too quickly, offering help when they are trying to figure it out on their own. Which, if I’m being honest, is probably fair. But that doesn’t make it any easier. Part of me still sees them as the little kids who needed help with everything. Shoes. Snacks. Getting dressed. The basics. But they’re not and I’ve got to accept it.
While they’re not toddlers, they’re not teenagers yet either. I’m slowly starting to realize that part of this stage of parenting is learning when not to help just as much as when I should. Or when I should just give advice. Which is harder than it sounds. You’d think less work, that’s a good thing. But it doesn’t feel like less, just different.
Being more of a spectator as you watch your kids discover what they can do on their own is rewarding, but also a little uncomfortable. It’s easy to be there when they need you. It’s harder to step back when they don’t – especially when you’re standing right there.
I still want to fix things. That instinct isn’t going anywhere. Especially before they get frustrated or upset. But I’m starting to see that figuring things out on their own is kind of the whole point. They’re not going to become more confident by having me do it for them. I see how they learn what they’re capable of doing themselves. It’s usually more than they thought before they tried. And honestly, probably more than I thought too.
So now I try to wait a second longer before stepping in. Sometimes a few minutes. Sometimes I still jump in too fast. Probably more than I should. But I’m working on it.
Every once in a while, I just stand there, stay quiet and watch them figure it out. Those moments feel different too. Not like I’m not needed. Just like maybe I’m doing something right – by doing nothing at all.
