“Daddy, can I go outside with Brandon to ride my scooter and play baseball like Bryce Harper and use the sidewalk chalk?”
Adam wanted to go outside and play. He knew he could ask because we had just started letting the boys go out to play a bit unsupervised without us joining them (even though we watched from the window to make sure everything was ok).
Growing up, I had some of my best times playing outside making up games either by myself, with my younger brother or with other friends. But as a parent, I struggle with how young is too young to let them outside on their own. Because they are 7 and 4, we have some concerns about their safety. And while Brandon (being the ever-gracious older brother) always offers to watch Adam, the idea of them playing outside together without mom or dad physically present is something we haven’t gotten comfortable with yet. We let them play by themselves inside the house, but we just aren’t there yet with outside.
Plus, as much as the boys seem to want independence, once they get outside, they still have some hesitations. They love the idea of playing on their own until they are actually outside alone playing. Then they want one of us to join them.
We try to give them ideas of what they can do without us, reminding them that going out is their idea. But then comes the pleas for us to join them (which it’s certainly nice to feel wanted, but can a parent get a break?). We’ve started to realize that we are partially responsible for what we’ve created. But then again, is it also how things have been these last few years? Have we been so careful since the pandemic and have we heard so many outside influences suggesting to always look over your shoulder that we realize we have children who hesitate as well?
Sometimes after working all day, it seems like we simply don’t have the energy to put our shoes back on to go outside. But we also don’t want the boys to be inside all day, even if they would think it’s special to watch something on TV (though I’d rather them think it is special to do something outside).
If I’m being totally honest, sometimes the idea of letting the boys play unsupervised terrifies me. But I don’t want them to miss out on all the benefits either. I know they are aware of what to do if a ball goes into the street. And I know we have spoken many times about not talking to strangers. So, am I imposing my hesitations on them? Probably. And to be frank, during a recent therapy session, it became more and more apparent that their lack of independence outside was my fears manifesting, not their lack of interest. And really, it’s not about true safety concerns. I think we imagine those concerns and let them build up in our minds. But if we don’t let the boys explore the limited space near our house, we aren’t preparing them for the greater world beyond our home. And that’s not our intention either. We’ve gotta start somewhere right, so why not somewhere closer to home?
I try to remind myself repeatedly that I need to let the boys learn to be more independent and work through problems. If I don’t let them make choices on their own, they can’t learn and figure out how to depend on themselves. But when it comes to them playing outside, I want them to be safe too. It’s as much about me becoming more comfortable checking in on them without interfering in what they are doing if I don’t need to.
I’m trying to work on what I’ve come to realize is my own separation anxiety, not the boys. They’ll be fine, and we’ll find a balance. I’ll keep you updated on how we do.
Read More “Making Time” by Jason Springer
