Parenting is a tough job. I’ve written in this column about the regular challenges of finding my own balance of having patience, showing love and finding that very delicate line between authority and understanding. But one of the challenges I never expected to navigate as a parent was what happens when one of my children tries to take on my role.
More often it’s Brandon who as the big brother wants to jump in to offer his take. I know he means well. And it’s hard because I don’t want to discourage him from helping. He sees something come up and he steps in – trying to guide, correct and discipline his younger brother. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the fact that he’s not antagonizing him at that moment. But the problem is, he’s not the parent. He’s the sibling. Which makes things challenging.
I’ve watched Adam’s frustration grow at times over his brother jumping in, which takes away from whatever we are actually working on at that moment. He doesn’t see his older brother’s interference as guidance or protection. He sees it as nagging, as controlling, as an attempt to take away his independence, which is really what Adam is trying to show right now. And honestly, I can’t blame him. He wants – and needs – a sibling to be a peer, a companion, someone to share the fun and mischief with, not another authority figure to answer to.
And then there’s Brandon’s perspective. I know he steps in because he cares. He wants to help. He sees the times I am juggling what appears to be too much – work, responsibilities, a household that never seems to stop moving – and he wants to lighten the load. Maybe he also feels a sense of pride in being “the responsible one.” But what he doesn’t realize is that in trying to parent his brother, he’s making it harder for them to bond as equals.
It also puts me and his mom in an awkward position. We don’t want to discourage him from trying to teach responsibility or kindness, and I certainly don’t want to make Brandon feel like his efforts to help are unwelcome. But I also need him to understand that being a good older sibling doesn’t mean taking my job as dad. It means being a friend, a mentor when necessary, and a safe place for his younger brother to turn to – not someone who makes him feel constantly judged or controlled.
I’ve had to step in and remind him – gently but firmly and repeatedly – that being a dad is my job, not his. He’s got a really important job as the big brother. I’ve talked to him about the importance of setting a good example rather than trying to enforce rules. And I’ve encouraged both of my boys to work out their conflicts as brothers, not as parent and child. I remind them that no matter what happens in life, they will have each other, and I want them to be able to remember that.
Sometimes, I have to take a deep breath because it’s a balancing act. And one that I am still figuring out as we go. But what I do know is this: I want my children to have a strong relationship built on mutual respect and camaraderie. I want them to look back on their childhood and remember laughter, shared secrets and silly fights that ended in giggles – not one brother constantly scolding the other.
I also know that Brandon is going to make for an amazing Dad when his time comes, but that’s not now. It’s in the future. For now, Brandon’s role is that of older brother. I keep reminding him of that. There’s “big bro” and “little bro” and there’s Mommy and Daddy. To keep our family dynamics, we all have a role to play. For now, I’ll be dad and you be you.
