“Mommy and daddy, what is on your schedule for tomorrow?”
Brandon is a planner even though he’s only 8. I get it, truly. He loves to know what the schedule is and already makes his own checklists for things he wants to get done (I wonder where he got that from). He doesn’t just like having a routine – he needs it. For a while he was waking up at 5:30 am (which unhappily woke me too) and when we asked why, he said he needed to see the weather forecast each morning.
If we’re running late for things, he’s outside early ready to go and wondering why we’re not ready too. On the one hand I love it because I don’t have to push him to be ready to go. On the other it’s hard, especially knowing I’m a schedule guy and an on-time person too. I regularly go places early ‘just in case’. I’ve fought the battle between managing my time and trying to be flexible – without anxiety – when unexpected things happen. And they regularly do, because that’s life. Changing plans often throws me off balance just as it does to Brandon.
But everyone knows schedules often shift. Plans get canceled for lots of different reasons, some we can help and others are completely out of our own control. We didn’t realize how much Brandon is still learning to roll with the punches though. For him, even slight changes in plans felt like things were falling apart. It has lead to tears or being overwhelmed.
It took us a while to understand and realize this. At first, we thought he was just being particular and wanting things his way. But there were times when things changed and it began to trigger tears, anxiety or even bad dreams and sleepless nights – not because he missed fun, but because he had to adjust to whatever new was coming. We realized it wasn’t just a preference. It was his way of creating order.
At first, we would try to reason with him and let him know “It’s not a big deal,” or that “We’d do whatever changed another time.” But by talking with him, we realized minimizing his feelings only made things worse. He wanted to be heard. To him, it was a big deal. So, we had to change while we were trying to get him to adjust too.
Now, when the schedule changes, we start by letting him know and talking about it. Just talking it out some helps to reduce some of the reaction. It also helps when we try to preview possible changes in advance so he can prepare himself. “There’s a chance practice could be canceled because of the weather. If that happens, we’ll do something else.” Sometimes that little buffer and time to process is all he needs.
Working with Brandon on being more flexible and navigating his feelings has helped me grow too, which happens often these days. I’ve had to examine my own relationship with control and routine and learn to try to slow down.
Some days, we still get thrown off. Sometimes the change is big, and the emotions are bigger. But we’ve clearly made progress. The other night, we had to cancel something at the last minute. Brandon frowned, took a breath, and then said, “Ok. Can we do something else instead?”
There were no tears or worries. There was no big situation that led to larger problems. We were able to handle the change and come up with new ideas, which didn’t seem possible a few months earlier. Some people may not see this as a small win. But in that moment, it felt like we had moved a mountain. It was progress. It was parenting. And it was all of us dealing with the ups and downs we face each day.
