Last year, I was mansplained twice. It was rather shocking because I was in meetings with a group of people, and I was running those meetings. So I think it’s reasonable to say I was in a position of power both times. But nope.
What continues to be true is I am a woman, and when you sit in meetings with men (and honestly, sometimes women), you aren’t always treated equally. I am certain that in both those meetings, every man would say they absolutely treat women – definitely me – the same as anyone else. I think they would also say they respect me. And yet no one even noticed when a man said exactly what I had said, almost word for word about 30 seconds after I had said it. And both times, everyone agreed with his idea, the topic was changed and the meeting moved on.
The first time it happened, I was in a meeting with 6 men. I was the only woman. To be clear, I have known most of these men for over 10 years, and I believe they are truly good humans. But there were things being said that didn’t sit well with me. It struck me that these truly good humans didn’t realize the impact of what they were saying. We were discussing a committee made up of all women, and the men at the meeting didn’t realize the words they used weren’t ok. It wasn’t outwardly derogative but damaging all the same.
(I know I’m being vague here, but my goal isn’t to publicly call anyone out. I’m writing this in hopes that men and women start paying a little more attention. And maybe start speaking up.)
At the meeting, I eventually spoke up, repeating some of the words that had been said to describe a group of women and explaining that those words were harmful. One of the men turned to me and said, “Marianne, we’re not sexist. This isn’t about sexism.” It was 1,000% about sexism, and I tried to explain unconscious bias to them.
I think I got through to them. No wait, I didn’t – one of the men did. After a lot of discussion, one of the men spoke up and repeated the points I had been trying to make, almost word for word, and it was a light bulb moment for everyone in the room. Me too, because that was the first time I had been mansplained.
At the very end of last year, I sat in another meeting and spoke in support of a policy decision that was being made. Two people briefly commented after me and then a man jumped in and repeated the point I had just made. Again, almost word for word. Everyone nodded and agreed as if they had never considered the idea before. I thought I was losing my mind.
In the weeks that followed, I have asked myself more than once if I definitely made myself clear when I spoke. Maybe, I would think, I didn’t fully explain myself and these men did a better job proving the point I was trying to make. But that’s not possible, because in both cases, the words that were said were the exact words I had used. It’s actually mind-blowing how identical the phrases and sentences were.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about those two experiences (a few others from last year too), and when I start to feel like, after all these years, this is a battle we just can’t win, I remind myself I have to keep trying. Standing up for women is something I’ve done my whole life. I’m not going to stop now.
So 2025 is going to be the year I use my voice – in this column and on my Instagram account – to try to move women’s equality forward in my very small corner of the world. I especially want to share my stories so young girls know the power they have, so they understand that a man might repeat what they say in a meeting. And it doesn’t mean he’s a terrible guy. It just means someone should speak up. Someone should say, “Hey, that was mansplaining. Don’t do that.”
You might have to say that more than once though. But that’s ok. Keep talking. Maybe one day a man will mansplain mansplaining. And then everyone will get it.
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