When a couple decides to divorce, there are a million moving parts that all need to be carefully considered and competently addressed. And while this is happening, emotions and stress levels can be pretty out of control. We asked family law attorneys to talk with us about how couples can best navigate this difficult time, so everyone comes out the other side feeling they were treated fairly and ready to start anew.

Participants:

Michelle Altieri, Charny Karpousis Altieri & Donoian

Amy Smith, Weinberg, Kaplan & Smith

Drew Burach, Archer & Greiner

Dawn Kaplan, Weinberg, Kaplan & Smith

Lynda Hinkle, Law Offices of Lynda L. Hinkle

Sonya Zeigler, Stolfe Zeigler

Ron Lieberman, Adinolfi Lieberman Burick Roberto & Molotsky

D. Ryan Nussey, Klineburger & Nussey

Moderator Marianne Aleardi, Publisher, SJ Magazine

What surprises couples about divorce

Many times couples believe divorce is always ugly and costly. But it really is up to them how they want to handle their divorce. There are alternatives to litigation.
Dawn Kaplan

Couples are often surprised at the amount of time it takes for a divorce to actually come to complete finality. They often think it will be over in a few months, but in most if not all cases, it typically takes a year or more.
Sonya Zeigler

People are sometimes surprised about the absence of a formula for everything. In certain circumstances we’ve got guidelines, but a lot of what we do is specific to that family.
Drew Burach

Many couples are surprised that fault doesn’t play a factor most of the time. People think if their spouse cheated, they won’t be entitled to any type of spousal support or maybe the division of assets should be skewed. It’s only in exceptional circumstances that someone will gain financially because their partner might have been cheating or they just weren’t a nice person during the marriage.
Michelle Altieri

People are always surprised that there are not more severe consequences for people not following the rules. They think if somebody doesn’t do something they’re supposed to do, the court is going to throw the book at them. That is probably not going to happen.
Lynda Hinkle

Some clients come in wanting their divorce finished in 1, 2 or 3 months. They have no idea that, especially post-pandemic, the divorce process can be greater than a year.
D. Ryan Nussey

When one person doesn’t want the divorce

In cases like this, it’s important for everybody get counseling to deal with what they’re specifically feeling at that time, even the children. Because as much as it’s hard for parents to be going through the divorce, the children are also going through it.
Amy Smith

If people come in and they are truly devastated, we bring in a mental health professional to make sure they get the help they need.
D. Ryan Nussey

We can reach out to the attorney on the other side and say, “Look, I’ll be frank with you. My client may not want this divorce. Is there any way we could look to counseling? Is there any door that can still be open?” We can ask.
Drew Burach

In New Jersey we have no-fault divorce. We have to tell the client that legally, if the other side wants a divorce, they’re going to get a divorce.
Michelle Altieri

I have had several cases where one of the parties did not want the divorce, and they are probably the saddest cases. But even in those cases, those litigants have contacted me years later and all of them are happier. They thank me for the support I gave them and the reassurance that life would get better.
Sonya Zeigler

The reluctant spouse will almost invariably come around at some point. They will come to a moment where they realize they’re chasing after something that just doesn’t exist and it’s now time to look to see what’s over the horizon.
Ron Lieberman

Some people truly come in blindsided and didn’t see it coming. However, once you talk to them a little bit, you discover they weren’t really blindsided. People just choose to not pick up on the signs.
Dawn Kaplan

Advice to parents

With all the emotion and everything that gets built into a divorce, take a step back and think about what’s happening here, and what is ultimately going to be best for your kids.
Drew Burach

My favorite quote was from a basketball player in Florida. I think he lived in the biggest home in Florida, and he said, “There’s no home big enough when you’re getting divorced.” Your kids hear everything you say, so don’t talk about the divorce. Don’t talk in the car. Don’t talk in the house. Keep them as sequestered from it as possible.
D. Ryan Nussey

Don’t leave papers out. Don’t leave your computer open with the court documents on the screen. Your kids shouldn’t know what is happening.
Amy Smith

It’s so important for parents to step back and think about what’s good for their kids long-term, not just in this moment. With the exception of abuse cases, kids want to have a good relationship with their parents.
Lynda Hinkle

A lot of issues, particularly when you’re talking about your children, are better resolved between the 2 of you instead of a judge in a black robe.
Dawn Kaplan

Sometimes a client will say, “Listen, he or she has never really cared for the kids. I’m the one who had all the care-taking responsibilities.” But the trend in the law right now is to make sure mom and dad have equal time or something close to equal time.
Michelle Altieri

The moment both parents start talking to the kids about how bad the other parent is, that’s when things really go south. The case now goes right down the drain with the kids being put in the middle and being harmed, and it doesn’t matter if they’re 8 or 18.
Ron Lieberman

Sometimes parents think they’re doing what’s in the best interest of the child, but it’s very easy to get caught up in the legal battle. I recommend they go to family therapy, and they focus on moving the child forward in the most pleasant environment possible.
Sonya Zeigler

Mediation

I have seen cases where I didn’t believe there was a chance it was going to resolve in mediation, and it actually did, but it takes hard work. Both parties have to be willing to compromise.
Dawn Kaplan

Since the pandemic, I’m doing more mediations than I ever did before, because it allows us to be creative. Clients can think outside the box and decide what truly is best for their family.
Amy Smith

The cost of mediation is far more beneficial to individuals, and they feel like they have ownership over the process because they can give and take, versus you have a judge who might enter an order at the end of a case.
Drew Burach

Litigants believe they either go to court OR use mediation. I think that’s one of the biggest misconceptions. Going to mediation happens when you file for divorce in New Jersey – the majority of our cases are resolved that way. Because going into court and having a judge make a decision in a hearing takes too long and costs too much money.
Sonya Zeigler

If you want to reach an end, you’re going to have to find creative ways that maybe 15 years ago people weren’t doing. Sometimes the only way to get clients to the end is with mediation.
Lynda Hinkle

Mediation can be very beneficial to getting the case to the end game when you might have been trying for 9 to 12 months to resolve the case.
Michelle Altieri

Social media during divorce

I tell clients: No Instagram, no Facebook, no Snapchat. Don’t put your vacations on there, don’t put you and your boyfriend/girlfriend going anywhere, don’t post that you bought a new Ferrari – nothing.
D. Ryan Nussey

I tell all my clients social media is the devil. I had a case where I would check Facebook every week for what someone was doing, because they were representing to the court that they were out of work and they couldn’t afford certain things. But they were posting on social media how they owned a construction company. It took me 2 seconds to print out those posts and attach it to my client’s affidavit.
Michelle Altieri

Social media does nothing but hurt situations, because it can be manipulated to present a narrative that wasn’t meant when it was posted. So I advise clients all the time: Stop before you post. Stop before you type. Stop before you hit send.
Dawn Kaplan

Clients should not create a false profile to worm their way into the other party’s social media account if it’s got a private setting. When they use this type of deception to get information, it’s of no use. And a judge may not care about the information, but may care more about how you procured it, and now we’ve got explaining to do.
Ron Lieberman

Mistakes couples make during divorce

Texting. I tell clients if they wouldn’t want the message blown up on a big screen in an open courtroom with the opposing attorney pointing to each line, page after page after page, and having you answer if that’s what you believed, for hours and hours and hours – if you don’t want that to happen, don’t send it.
Ron Lieberman

One mistake couples make, especially in the beginning, is they want to save money so they believe they can work with the other party without involving attorneys or they avoid getting experts. So the parties wait and wait as they try to find a middle ground, and eventually, they end up spending more money.
Dawn Kaplan

One of the things I tell people all the time is to be careful who you’re talking to about your divorce. I call them kitchen table lawyers. Somebody has a friend or a coworker who’s been divorced, and they want to give them advice about their case. Don’t get legal advice from someone who is not an attorney – from someone who hasn’t been doing this for the past 20 years.
Michelle Altieri

Toughest part of the job

The toughest cases involve children where there’s abuse. Knowing a child is in danger or getting hurt is personally upsetting to me.
Michelle Altieri

If you have someone with severe substance abuse and mental health issues, and there’s not a good support system behind them, or perhaps their attorney is not recognizing or wanting to address those issues, it’s very difficult. As attorneys, we like to think we can fix everything. Sometimes we can’t.
D. Ryan Nussey

One of the hardest parts of my job is dealing with the court system and how things keep getting shifted around – difficulties with scheduling, difficulties with getting orders. It’s been a difficult time.
Lynda Hinkle

Sometimes you hear some really, really difficult and trying stories. Hearing what some people have endured is probably the toughest thing.
Drew Burach

In family law, there aren’t always consequences for parties who aren’t doing what they’re supposed to – who don’t comply with a court rule or don’t comply with a timeline. The courts recognize that they’re dealing with 2 people who are going through a situation and one party might be acting out of character, so they give a lot of litigants passes. It’s very hard to explain to the client who is doing everything they’re supposed to do that sometimes there aren’t the consequences they would want.
Dawn Kaplan

For me, it’s domestic violence and the cycle of abuse, especially when victims have little children who have witnessed the abuse. You’re trying to get them out of that cycle so they can see that life is better not being with this perpetrator. But the hardest part is you get them to where you think they’re in a good spot, and they ultimately go back to their abuser.
Amy Smith

The toughest part of my job is trying to manage people’s expectations with how the system functions right now. The courts are very understaffed in terms of judges. While the courts are trying to get back up to speed, it takes a long time for a divorce to be moved through the courts.
Sonya Zeigler

Best part of the job

The best part is when the client says thank you. Thank you for being open, thank you for being honest, thank you for being responsive, thank you for not telling me what I wanted to hear but what I needed to hear.
Ron Lieberman

Adoptions by far are the best part of the job – uniting families that are already families, but the law doesn’t recognize them.
Lynda Hinkle

The best part of the job comes from the toughest part of the job, which is the ability to have a direct impact on people’s lives.
Drew Burach

I love hearing from people down the road who have come out on the other side and they’re doing well in their life, and they’re raising healthy, successful children.
D. Ryan Nussey

I feel strongly about doing pro bono work. Being able to help people who might not have access to an attorney because of the cost is personally rewarding.
Michelle Altieri

I love to see people evolve and change and grow from a bad situation. I get to watch that every single day. There’s nothing like being told you have truly made a difference in someone’s life, and their children’s lives.
Dawn Kaplan

I love seeing a client 1, 2 or 10 years later, and that person was crying in my office but now they’re in such a different place. It’s so rewarding to have been part of that.
Amy Smith

The best part is when I can really help someone achieve whatever objectives they were seeking to achieve. I’ve had clients say, “Thank you, I’m spending the winter in Florida every year because of the deal you got me on my divorce.” That is the best part of what I do.
Sonya Zeigler

Advice for newly engaged couples

Be very open about expectations for finances. Talk about what you believe in terms of how to pay bills, how you feel about mortgages and debt, and what your threshold is for risk versus cautiousness.
D. Ryan Nussey

Pick your battles. You’re not going to win every argument. You really need to think before you go to the mat for an issue.
Michelle Altieri

There are different parts of life. There will be struggles, good and bad, up and down, but the ability to listen and work together – that’s often the key to a successful partnership.
Drew Baruch

If there’s an issue, no matter how minor, communicate. If you don’t talk, it’s going to be this snowball heading downhill and you’re not going to be able to get out in front of it. So talk, talk, talk, talk, talk.
Ron Lieberman

Have a consultation with an attorney to determine if a prenuptial agreement would be helpful. People sometimes believe if you have a prenup, you’re setting the marriage up for failure. But if you look at it like a business decision, it makes sense to do your due diligence and see what you can do now to prevent something from being ugly later.
Sonya Zeigler

Marriage is work. I’ve been married over 20 years, and I think it’s important to never stop working with each other. You have to keep having fun together, have hobbies together and find things that interest you. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.
Amy Smith

1. Get a prenup.
2. If there’s any kind of business in the relationship and you have any questions about what’s happening, file taxes separately throughout the marriage.
3. Particularly for women, continue to understand what’s going on in your financial world. Don’t give in to being a couple so your identity is lost if that ends.
Lynda Hinkle