Somehow the Instagram algorithm has decided I’m a good candidate for a trad wife feed. If you don’t know what that is – I didn’t at first – it’s short for “traditional wife,” like overly traditional. As in, when your husband comes home from work, make sure you don’t bother him with conversation right away, because he might be tired.
Here is text taken directly from a post on my feed: “There are 3 things we should do when our husbands get home. 1. Be happy to see him! 2. Help him take off his shoes 3. Help him feel peace!!” The punctuation is copied exactly. (Not sure why, but I felt I needed to point that out.)
Of course, the reason Instagram keeps showing me these posts is because I read every word, watch the whole reel and then I send to Joe – definitely actions that make the site think I want more. But really, I’m just amazed. And a little puzzled. And a little angry. And dismayed.
At my first fulltime job right out of college, I remember a coworker telling me she believed in submitting to her husband. I had forgotten about that conversation until I started seeing all these posts. She said he made all the rules. She followed them. It was such a foreign concept, which I don’t think I said to her. Looking back, I don’t know if I had the right to. I do know it wouldn’t have changed anything and probably would have caused problems considering I was 22. But none of that entered my mind. I was just stunned. So I had nothing to say.
While I was growing up, the thought of my mom submitting to my dad…no wait, the thought of my dad expecting my mom to submit to him is absurd.
They modeled for me marriage as a partnership, where a couple forms a friendship and figures things out together. My mom was a stay-at-home mom until I was in high school, so in some ways, they had a traditional marriage. But in some ways, their marriage was very untraditional. My dad was the one who went food shopping, and he cooked – two things he enjoyed doing, which is why he did them. But no matter who had the fulltime salary or who made dinner, no one ruled the relationship. Why would they? If you love your partner, you don’t rule them. You love them. That’s what my parents showed me my entire life.
A partnership based on kindness and respect is really the only type of relationship I’ve known. It’s what Joe and I model for our daughters. And as they date and build their own relationships, it eases my mind to see their choices and their expectations. It eases my mind a lot.
And then there’s my Instagram feed, where I’m introduced to a whole other way of thinking/living. I have a voice in the back of my head that says to not judge these couples, to not think they should live differently. But then there’s the whole other 98% of my head that says no relationship where one person rules over the other is good. It’s not loving. It’s not healthy. It’s not admirable.
As you may know by now, line one of our mission statement here at SJ Mag Media is to empower women. I’ve said this a million times: It’s what we’re all about. You can’t support the concept of trad wives and also fight for women’s empowerment. That doesn’t work. So maybe when we publish a story about a South Jersey woman running a successful business or when we announce our Women of Excellence honorees or we quote female physicians in our health stories, we’re whispering to a woman reading that she has worth. Hopefully she’ll get the message that she can build her own life with her own set of rules, and maybe she’ll choose to bring a partner into that life. Her choice. Her rules. Her life.
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