The first time one of my daughters went on a date, she was in middle school, and she sat in a booth with a boy for about an hour, eating pizza. It was jolting. Because even though she had sat in these booths many times with friends, this time had a different meaning. This was the start of something.
We had known that boy (and his family) for a while, so the thought of learning more about him didn’t even occur to us. But eventually they started to date boys we didn’t know at all, but at least they went to their high school so they were somewhat familiar to us. And then they started to date boys at their college. No wait, they started to date men. We didn’t know these men at all. Sometimes we never met them. Ever.
It’s been interesting to maneuver through the stage where we are basically interviewing a human for a position in our family, even though we have absolutely no decision-making power in the situation. (Ok, maybe we do a tiny bit. If we really had concerns, I would think a daughter would consider our thoughts.)
Joe and I always try to be very careful at these first visits. While we’d like to say, “Can you tell us everything about you and your family. Please include details of all your hopes, dreams and values.” We don’t do that. In fact, we try to not ask a ton of questions. Keep it simple. Focus on the activity we’re doing, like hiking or even just having dinner somewhere. Talk about the weekend or a show we know the two of them have been streaming, but inevitably one of us will say, “And what did you study in college?” And so of course…the floodgate of questions opens.
Where did you grow up? Do you have siblings? Where do they live? Do you enjoy your job? What do you do there? (I actually asked once for an example of a specific task because I didn’t understand his role.) Do you like to travel – where all have you been? What was your favorite place? What was the town where you grew up like? How often do you see your parents now? (This is usually asked by me for reasons I know other moms will relate to.)
I sometimes wonder what they are thinking as we calmly, but purposefully, shoot questions at them. Are they terrified? Or are they expecting all this, so it’s totally fine. I want to whisper to them, “If our daughter brought you to meet us, she thinks you’re wonderful. And since we think she’s more than wonderful, there’s a very good chance we’re going to think you’re wonderful too.”
Because that’s really what we want most of all. For our daughters to decide what is best for their life in the years ahead. It took me a very long time to realize that, but it’s true. And while they are figuring all this out, we want them to love what they have today.
I remember when the girls were in grade school, one of them had an assignment to ask Joe and I a few questions. Sheets with the parents’ answers, in the child’s handwriting, were hung in the hallway outside their class. One of the questions was: What do you hope for my future? The parents’ answers said things like “good health” or “success.” My answer was “a happy marriage.” My thinking was if you have someone in your life who supports you and makes you happy, you can deal with anything that comes your way.
But I would change that answer now. My answer today would be: “Once you define for yourself what you want for your future – that.”
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