I made a post on Instagram a few months ago where I was asking people what they thought about this column idea I had. I read through the comments (so helpful), thought about it for weeks and then decided, no, I don’t think I’ll write that.
Yet here we are.
Here’s what I said in my post:
“…if you are a man and you are a good human, we women are having a really hard time finding you, so could you stand up, could you speak up?…Because we’re finding that there are a lot of men apparently who are not good humans. So we need to know who the good humans are and who the not-good humans are.”
Comments were supportive, saying I should go ahead and write. A few suggested I mention that there are good men. Yes, of course. I wouldn’t be saying there aren’t.
One man commented with a video, and he was awesome. He said he does speak up, and he teaches young men how to step in with “controlled strength” when they see something inappropriate.
At the time though, I felt he was rare. And while that feeling never changed, I still didn’t write the column. I couldn’t figure out what I would say. I mean really, what more needs to be said than, “We need to know who the good humans are.”
But then things kept happening.
At a party with friends, I stood silent while a male friend made comments to me (he would probably say they were compliments) that were out of line. And if you are thinking I was being “sensitive” – Joe was next to me, and he leaned in and told him to stop. He told him to stop in a way that made this friend walk away.
But I watched him walk over and start talking to a young woman in her late 20’s – a woman he and I had both known since she was in grade school. And I thought, “Is she ok? Should I go step between them?” But he walked away before I made a move.
I later told the host of the party – the mom of that young woman – about my experience. She told me her daughter had confided in her that he had made her feel uncomfortable.
It killed me, because I had just stood there watching.
Even after that, I didn’t write the column.
But then…daughters of a pastor in Mt. Laurel wrote letters to the congregation of their church describing how their father had abused them. The first allegation was made to the church board in 2019. A police investigation was conducted, and there wasn’t enough evidence to bring charges.
So last month, 2 of the pastor’s daughters, who both say they were sexually, physically and emotionally abused by their dad, wrote a letter to the congregation explaining what happened to them. There is a lot more to this story, which we will cover in an upcoming issue, and I am simplifying.
But there is one part I can’t get out of my head: When church leaders finally spoke to their congregation during a service in June, which was videotaped, past and current board members stood on the stage in solidarity – 14 men stood there while their board chair said this, “We believe that part of loving the church is…not hiding from potential wrongs or false statements made against the church or its people.”
In his talk, he never mentions the daughters or their experience or their pain. But he does mention the accused, by name, several times.
So yeah, it’s getting really difficult to find the good men.
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