“I’m telling you, every parent is going through the same thing. We just don’t talk about it.”
That’s what I said to Sarah as we were waiting to be seated for dinner out one night without the boys. We were watching a family with three younger children struggling to get their kids to stop blocking the steps at the restaurant. It was the same thing we went through with the boys earlier in the day. It wasn’t the parents’ fault at all, just kids doing what kids do. I’m sure those parents felt the same way that we often do: What’s wrong with us? What are we doing wrong? Why can’t we get our kids to listen? We even joked with the parents, to lighten the moment, that we had gone through the same things just hours before.
Which got me thinking, why don’t we all talk about this more? I mean, why don’t other parents talk openly and honestly about the tougher parts of parenting. I know the answer for me is often fear of being judged (which I fight in lots of areas of my life). While I may be more open in this column about the other side of things, if you look at my social media, I often post pictures where everyone is smiling and looking at the camera, not the “outtakes” where no one is following directions or our kids are in full-blown meltdown and defiance mode. But I wasn’t sure if that was the reason for everyone.
So when I started writing the column for this month, I began letting parents know the topic to get their thoughts and reactions. Let me tell you, they were really great (with some not fit to print). And the responses were all across the board. Some told me they specifically post the outtakes because life IS messy. Another even posted a handwritten note they had their child write (Simpsons style) saying over and over again they would not hit the other sibling. Other parents gave me ideas they have found that work when I brought up some of the challenges we were facing. We’ve even used some of them and they have helped. And still others who knew our children tried to remind me just how good our boys are, which I do know, even when we are more focused on the challenges they present in any particular moment of the day.
It also let me know I wasn’t the only one who regularly questions my own parenting because of things my kids do. Sometimes it’s just nice to have people to commiserate with because of how hard parenting can be. It’s not about burdening them with my problems but getting help from people in the same spot.
I don’t want to just look back and remember this time fondly, which is a comment that I often get when people see things are really challenging and they want to help. I want to figure out how to do better and be better as we get through it. Hearing about how the struggle is real from other parents, while getting their tips on what we can do differently, helps. Not just for the ideas they give, but for the validation that we’re not alone.
At the end of our night out, we saw the family with their three kids who had been struggling earlier. They all were sitting at the table – each person in their own chair – talking calmly, smiling and laughing and just enjoying each other. That made me smile too because seeing others gives me hope, even at the times when it feels like there isn’t any.
