“Daddy, it’s fun when we are all together, but I really like it when I have a special time with you.”
Adam and I were driving back from going to a game together, and I thought he had already fallen asleep since it was so late. But his little voice from the back seat told me how much fun he had and couldn’t wait until we did it again.
We do a lot together as a family, and we love that time as our own little team. But we also make sure to spend time separately, in pairs, pretty regularly too. We’ve found that special one-on-one time makes a big difference. Whether it’s Sarah or me spending time with just one boy, or Sarah and I having time as a couple, we recognize the importance of that time together.
Growing up, I loved the time alone I got with my parents. It’s not like we didn’t do a ton with my brother and sister or that I didn’t enjoy the time when we were all together too. But the time I spent alone with my mom or either of my dads meant more and left a lasting impact on me to this day. Sarah had the same experiences, still talking to me about going to a Phillies no hitter with her dad long before we got together.
We wanted to make sure our kids had those same experiences that shaped us, planning our “special time” in advance so we didn’t get so busy it wouldn’t happen because life got in the way. And we placed a value on making sure we got some adult time together too, so we can have a night where we aren’t talking about which boy didn’t put the toilet seat down or which bills need to get paid. It reminds us how this whole thing started, and why it was so good then – and now.
I’ve found that no matter who the two people are spending time together, you can go so much deeper when talking. It’s like peeling away the layers of our everyday interactions, which can be briefer and interrupted by any number of things. When we have alone time, we can focus entirely on whoever we are with. You especially miss the interruptions that naturally come with siblings competing for attention or trying to one-up the other. This becomes totally focused, in-the-moment time.
The beauty of having two kids is that the dynamics of each relationship are completely unique, so that time with each of them is also unique. The conversations with Adam are a bit more basic because he is younger, but Brandon has talked about everything with me from the things that make him happy to the things that scare him the most. Given how honest I am about my own mental health, he will open up more and talk to me about ways to have better reactions and not get so upset about things. I don’t think he would ever bring that up if other people were around.
Most times, it doesn’t even matter where we go. Yes, I often take them to sporting events because that has become our thing, but we can go for ice cream or pizza or just play at home and still have a great time laughing, talking and joking. It’s the same with Sarah. I literally do not care what we do as long as we are doing it together. (Yes, I have some opinions, but I’ve tried things I never thought I would at her suggestion, and I very much enjoyed them).
By spending separate time together, I’m making many of the same memories I was able to make with my parents. And adding special time with my wife keeps our connection as a couple strong, even in the craziness of raising kids and everything that comes with that. More important for all of us, though: I’m laying the groundwork for open communication, trust, sharing and respect that I hope carries us through the years ahead. Each laugh, story and moment reinforces my role in each of their lives and theirs in my life. We are a family of four that blends so beautifully together, whether it’s the 2 of us, or all of us.
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